The dark art of branding

With a thankful sigh, the CEO signs the last letter of the day. It is 6.45pm on a cool winter night in the Sydney central business district. Dark rain clouds scud across the darkening sky. The rain batters the window and the muffled sounds of homeward bound traffic are heard in the street below. His secretary, standing close by, clutching her soft kid handbag against her stylish raincoat, takes it from his hand, folds it neatly and inserts it into the waiting envelope. Her tongue briefly caresses the gummed flap. She smoothes it down and a brief smile lightens her face... “Do have a pleasant weekend Mr Donnelly”. And with that she is gone into the night. A distant door slams shut. In the meagre light from the desk lamp a mysterious grin is seen to spread across CEO Theodore Donnelly’s face and transforms his usually friendly features. His body slumps forward in the chair and his hands grip the edge of the desk. He rises awkwardly from his black leather chair, his large frame casting a dark and sinister shadow across the far wall. Slowly and unsteadily he crosses the room to where his wall safe is concealed behind a framed print of a Chinese girl with a face glowing eerily in the low light. He leans awkwardly against the wall as his tortured eyes strain to see the combination numbers of the safe. The tumblers fall into place and the heavy door yields to his anxiously tugging hand. He reaches in. Something suddenly moves in the dark recesses of the safe. His hand is grabbed by something unknown. It feels as though it is being pulled from its socket. He wrenches his arm back and forth in one mighty effort and it is released. He grabs the battered envelope before him and slams the safe door shut.

Crossing the room, he sits once more at his desk. Pulling the desk lamp nearer, he opens the envelope and slides the large dusty book out of the envelope. There before him lay the object of his innermost desires. Ye Olde Booke of Branding Spells. The faded script on the front cover proclaims ‘He who masters these spells shall have control over the hearts and minds of all before him’. He lifts the heavy cover and turns it over. He briefly notices a small imprint on the inside cover ‘First published by K. Roberts, Lancaster, Auckland and New York 1504’ which causes him to wince. His eyes move to the first page. He slowly reads the words aloud. “Mind control. The dark art of visual and verbal persuasion. Mix together words and images to control people’s minds and instil a sense of wellbeing way beyond their financial means. Ingredients: a twist of mystery, two shakes of flippancy, an ounce of bullshit, a teaspoon of hubris, a scoop of overspending and two parts of overindulgence. Mix well and apply liberally. As this is a somewhat unstable set of ingredients, results cannot be guaranteed. Ensure you stand well back following application as after affects can be catastrophic”. He looked longingly at the book. “Thank you”.

Here at Heywood Innovation we do claim to produce magical results for our clients. These however tend to be the result of tried and tested methods honed over a 20 year period and applied with loving care. There are no potions in our cupboard that transform underperforming brands into sector leaders overnight. Our BrandGuidanceSystem however, when diligently applied, triumphs every time over the dark arts. You should try it.

Lizard’s tongue or eye of newt anyone? Good for uplifting brand libido so they tell me!


Tony Heywood is an international branding consultant and founder of Heywood Innovation in Sydney Australia with affiliates in Melbourne, Gold Coast, London, Singapore and Mumbai.

View some of Heywood’s work on www.heywood.com.au

Share on Facebook